Here at McKinsey, we believe the best way to reform the Galactic Empire is from the inside.
For 92,000 years, McKinsey and Company (Galactic) has been a trusted confidant to corporations and governments across the galaxy. We have seen economies boom and bust, regimes rise and fall, species emerge and go extinct. What we have never done, and never will do, is take a job that conflicts with McKinsey’s core values. Never once have we come close to these values being compromised.
I assure you, we are horrified by the possibility, however remote, that our report on the feasibility of the DS-1 Orbital Platform could ever be used for evil. We were engaged by the Galactic Empire which, we must emphasize, has its roots in a democratic vote, to design a radical humanitarian plan for increasing the economic efficiency of what is still, it must be said, a developing galaxy. Our proposal to build an Orbital Light Enhancement platform to increase crop yields was both maverick and revolutionary. We are proud to report that the platform not only came in millions of credits under schedule, but also gave life to the vast population of Wookies still reeling from the devastation of their home planet of Kashyyk through the creation of millions of jobs for their people, comprehensively refuting those uninformed critics who nicknamed it the ‘Death Star’.
Reports linking McKinsey to said devastation of Kashyyk, an event that is being variously described as a “a genocide of unmatched scale” (the Rebel Alliance), “cold-blooded mass murder and slavery, plain and simple” (the Federation of Free Wookies), and “in a moral gray zone, enveloped in a fog of confusion from which it is difficult to pinpoint a single aggressor” (McKinsey and Company internal report), are based on a number of unfortunate misunderstandings. The first is the scheduling of our holiday party on the employment-planet Despayre. McKinsey and Company was merely attempting to celebrate our part in the full employment of the Wookie people. We are shocked, shocked, at allegations of unfair treatment in so-called “forced labour camps” on the planet, mere miles from the location. The second is the holiday party’s late-night move to the DS-1 platform itself. We merely wanted to demonstrate the complexities of managing a project of that unprecedented scale to our new recruits. Indeed, that very complexity is underlined by the unfortunate accident that occured on the platform during a routine test of the main light source, wherein the planet Depayre, upon which we had been standing mere hours before, was utterly destroyed.
Once again, McKinsey is horrified by the possibility, vanishingly faint as it is, that our recommendations may have contributed to some small part of this tragedy. Indeed, this only serves to highlight the importance of McKinsey’s mission to build leaders who can prevent such horrific incidents, leaders who can deliver lasting, meaningful impact for the galaxies major companies, its economy and society. We have a long track record of working with up-and-coming democratic leaders, including then-Senator Palpatine of Naboo and current Supreme Commander A. Skywalker.
Claims that we only work for the rich, and ‘established powers’ to “maintain the hegemonic dominance of the Sith over the Galactic Peoples” (Galactic Empire Internal Report) are unfounded and incorrect. We have worked pro bono for many dissident leaders, including in the past the anti-corruption organization known as Confederacy of Independent Systems, and in the present the outlawed Rebel Alliance, at great cost to our pocketbooks. Until his unfortunate resignation and disappearance following charges of sedition, our Dissident Desk was handled by Mr. Lando Calrissian, who worked personally with a number of Rebel leaders, most prominently Han Solo. While our relations with the Rebels have subsequently chilled, we did in the interim consult for them on the development of their base planet Yavin 4. Those who claim ignorance of our work with the Rebel Alliance demonstrate their bad faith by ignoring the public report we published from our non-profit division about our advice on a hypothetical laser-based attack scenario, including detailed coordinates of possible offensive positions from which the maximum damage could be inflicted by an adversary. Their successful defense against attack is a testament to the value of our service.
So next time you need the Galaxy’s best client-oriented solutions, McKinsey is here for you. Though maybe hold off on the giant lasers, no matter what the positive humanitarian value. Unlike the khyber crystal focusing device we designed, the optics are really bad right now.
McKinsey and Company (Galactic)
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Note from the authors: This piece was originally written in response to this article in the New York Times about McKinsey helping China optimize slave labor camps full of Uighur people, but it was never published because we figured we'd missed our window of opportunity for satirizing this absurdly specific situation. Silly us -- we've revived it in response to this piece about McKinsey helping another global superpower imprison people in terrible conditions because apparently this shit is evergreen.
The Brothers Sankaran (@sohamsankaran and @sahajsankaran) do not endorse any of their own opinions due to congenital cowardliness. Direct complaints towards the Honesty Is Best support desk. If you'd like to read more writing of this kind, join our email list below.